Three years ago my sister and brother-in-law decided to rent a big farmhouse on the outskirts of town. After building and selling a handful of beautiful new construction houses, they didn’t anticipate falling in love with a dated farmhouse amidst corn and cows, but they did. Months later when they took a job in Bakersfield, CA we sat around the table of their farmhouse, sad to see it go. My mom wondered out loud, “What if Dad and I move into this house?” It wouldn’t be the first time. For some weird (maybe somehow dysfunctional but I’m going with ‘weird’) reason it’s not the first time we’ve shared and rotated houses. Yes, we move embarrassingly often. Yes, we somehow make it a party every time. Our moving boxes see many moves before they go to the burn pile.
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2/4/2015 4 Comments A:lifeAlmost a decade ago I went to the Christian bookstore and nearly ripped apart the Teen section looking for something specific. I led a small group of teen girls and a few of them had recently committed their lives to Christ. I wanted to give them a book, a devotional, something to get them started.
Coffee in hand, I sat in the middle of the teen section and started laying out books. I read a few chapters, made some piles, and came up with... nothing. I found a few good devotionals on prayer and isolated topics. I found plenty on sex and dating, but that was putting the cart before the horse. I didn't want to merely give my girls nice Christian ideas for decision making (hands of anyone else that was more screwed up because of Christian dating books? *Insert cringe here*.) 1/11/2015 3 Comments Haley & KateWhen we finalized Haley Kate's adoption we gave her the middle name Kate. It wasn't the middle name we originally picked, but along the way it became obvious no other middle name would do. We don't always choose the deep, unexplainable connections we have with certain people. My mom (Kate) and Haley Kate have had a unique bond from the beginning. When Haley was still a baby my mom mentioned she always thought "Haley bales" when she thought of her name. It became a nickname my mom and Sean call her along with "Hay bales". Apparently Mom had a sixth sense about the type of kid Haley would be (or it was my mom's influence as a Montana grown ranch girl) because Haley Kate loves horses, anything farm related, and wears her trademark pink "cow boots" everywhere. (Whenever she sees a farmer baling hay she shouts out, "Look at the Haley bales! They're making Haley bales for me!" It's so cute I refuse to correct her.) 1/2/2015 2 Comments For a New YearIt’s not that I’m against goals or resolutions. It’s just this cynical streak in me, observing people with lofty lists of New Year aspirations that fizzle by February. We can be quick to shout out intentions without weighing the hard work it takes to achieve them. I should add- I'm just as guilty of falling short and not completing what I set out to do. Honestly, I'd rather avoid big declarations or a goal I might not achieve. It's easier to avoid being resolute, settle into cynicism, and laugh at those who bypass kale for chocolate by January 4. It can be disheartening to look back when a New Year looks an awful lot like the Old Year. This week I was evaluating my year and wondering if maybe what I thought was a road run was actually a treadmill run. I’ve exerted energy. I feel like I’ve been running. There was movement. Yet this looks an awful lot like the scenery from last year. It’s easy in that moment to throw in the towel. Effort seems futile. Why be resolute when failure is inevitable? I found my answer ringing in the New Year with Moses. I completed the book of Exodus in December and noticed something new… as usual. God has rescued the Israelites from Egypt and they are entering the desert years. He sets a covenant before Israel. He explains to them they will be set apart and lists amazing promises He will fulfill if they obey Him. They are beginning to understand that this powerful God with the Red Sea under His command, the one who drops manna from the sky and brings forth water from rocks, wants to dwell with them.
12/21/2014 1 Comment Pushing one more mile... or 3.10686Sometimes when life feels circular, I can reason with myself. I think of the Israelites wandering the desert for 40 years and know God used their circles to establish Himself as their God, to prove His faithfulness amidst their unfaithfulness, and to set them apart as His. Sometimes I reach faith-filled conclusions that spur me on when the scenery is the same and my feet have blisters.
Sometimes my head is fuzzy and my reasonings are inconclusive. Then I have a few family members and friends that tell me how to put one foot in front of another. They distract me from the blisters so I can take on another mile. They speak their own faith over my lack. 11/24/2014 2 Comments The Prayer of St. PatrickSt. Patrick might not be the traditional prayer of Thanksgiving week, but the following excerpt has been my prayer when I'm not sure I can pull myself out of bed for the day. Last month a dear friend I hadn't seen in two years brought me to San Diego with her for a weekend of refreshment, encouragement, and thought provoking conversation. (That's my nice way of saying she kicks complacency in the face and challenges you until you're popping ibprofun for your exploding head... have I mentioned she's one of my favorite friends?) She spoke the following prayer as we listened to the surf, sprawled out on beach towels. (White sand, profound discussion alternating with solitude and sunsets... have I mentioned she's one of my favorite friends?)
May this prayer help you when your feet struggle to hit the floor in the morning. May it remind you of your dependance on Christ. May it give you the fight you need for today: The Prayer of St. Patrick I arise today Through the strength of heaven; Light of the sun, Splendor of fire, Speed of lightning, Swiftness of the wind, Depth of the sea, Stability of the earth, Firmness of the rock. I arise today Through God's strength to pilot me; God's might to uphold me, God's wisdom to guide me, God's eye to look before me, God's ear to hear me, God's word to speak for me, God's hand to guard me, God's way to lie before me, God's shield to protect me, God's hosts to save me Afar and anear, Alone or in a multitude. Christ shield me today Against wounding Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me, Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me, Christ on my right, Christ on my left, Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down, Christ in the heart of everyone who thinks of me, Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me, Christ in the eye that sees me, Christ in the ear that hears me. I arise today Through the mighty strength Of the Lord of creation. 10/7/2014 1 Comment Enjoying What There is to EnjoyOkay, okay I'm conceding. Pumpkin spice is back, giddy school girls have wrapped themselves in scarves and boots, and my toes froze the last two times I attempted flip flops. I suppose fall has arrived and while I enjoy fall just fine- I always claw to every last summer moment.
I've been determining over and over to "enjoy what there is to enjoy", meaning that no matter how turbulent aspects of life may be- I refuse to let turbulence rob me of the sweet moments. I spent summer soaking up play time with my kids, sunrises alone on the patio, and most Thursdays exploring parks with nieces, nephews, friends, and sisters. As we usher in October, I suppose "enjoy what there is to enjoy" means routine, soccer practice in the rain, and homework over apples and cheese in the afternoon. I will enjoy what there is to enjoy here, too. But before I do, a few of our soak up the sun moments... 9/23/2014 0 Comments A Brooklyn HoleOur community, our school, and our little family have been hit hard by the loss of a bright little three and a half year old. Brooklyn was Haley’s age. Her momma and I were looking forward to upcoming years of our girls being together. Brooklyn has sisters who are twins in Darla’s class and another sister in Everett’s class. Brooklyn and Haley were buddies as they tagged along on field trips, class parties, and as our families played together. When Brooklyn was admitted to the hospital for e.coli, no one imagined she would slip into heaven only a couple days later.
The day Brooklyn died, Darla and I walked through raspberry fields with tears and words. Nine year old Darla articulated what many of us struggle to, “It feels like nothing will ever be the same. Will it always be this awful? I can’t imagine something being funny again. I want to be with the twins right now because they must be the saddest ever- but then what should I do? What could I say? Nothing makes it better, does it? This doesn't feel real at all." Oh, the ache of a mom wishing she could shoulder the harshness of the world and shield her children from inevitable pain and heartache. “God can comfort and He gives us hope, Darla- but the truth is life on earth leaves us with a lot of holes. Losing Brooklyn leaves a Brooklyn hole. We learn to live in a new normal, but there will always be a Brooklyn hole. Until we get to heaven and Jesus fills all the holes forever- we walk around reminded of losses. Brooklyn’s family will never be the same. They might get used to having three girls, eventually- but the fact is they have four and we only get to see three on earth.” 8/25/2014 3 Comments Love Story for the AgesThe story of Jacob, Rachel and Leah compels me, comforts me, and... somewhat traumatizes me. I love the sweet beginning in Genesis 29. It’s your classic “boy goes on journey, comes to a well, his eyes meet hers over bleating sheep, the shepherds fade into the background, they fall in love” type of story. Jacob was so enamored with Rachel he was willing to wait and work seven years to earn her hand; “they seemed only a few days to him because of the love he had for her.” Sigh. Happily ever.... 7/20/2014 4 Comments RefugeSometimes we make decisions we know to be best, even when we don't know if our feelings will follow. Being a practical Dutch woman, I can typically reason myself into a good decision and push forward even if it isn't my preference. I mean, I still cry like a baby, but I do what needs to be done. This past winter we made the decision to move. It was a financial decision and I inwardly sighed because packing boxes eight times in thirteen years had been enough for me. Yet I knew it was the wise decision and a decision the Lord was blessing. I knew there would be things I could find to enjoy so I reasoned with myself and pushed ahead. I passionately love this house. I don't even have to convince myself. The other night I tucked my boys in down in their basement room and walked upstairs to discover the setting sun casting vibrant oranges and pinks over acres of ripe raspberries, with barns as a backdrop. I beelined for the porch with a blanket and journal, remembering that I once thought I would miss my enormous picture windows in my old house. My sweet farmhouse has too many things to love to notice what I might otherwise miss. This past winter I attended an evening worship service, sneaking in the back alone during the first song with every intention of sneaking back out during the last song. I was thwarted in my quick exit by a woman I hadn't seen in nearly a decade. We live in the same town but don't attend the same church or often cross paths. She caught me and said, "I was sitting behind you during the service and felt like God was speaking to me about encouraging you. I was praying. I have no idea what's been going on in your life in the past decade but..." She proceeded to share things that I thought the Lord was saying, but I had questioned. I was crying, wiping my nose, making a scene, when she said the image she had was of a steep cliff, but I was tucked safely in a cleft in the rock with the Lord covering and sheltering me. She reminded me of the Lord as my refuge and my foundation. She encouraged me to cling to Truth I know and stay the course. Her words come back often and my Psalm has been the 91st, "He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress; my God, in Him I will trust. Surely He shall deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the perilous pestilence. He shall cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you shall take refuge; His truth shall be your shield and buckler." Psalm 91:1-4 The Lord often gives me tangible things to commemorate His work and to remind me of who He is. This year He's blessed me with a tidy house on three acres. Tucked between raspberries, blueberries, and farmhouses I'm able to retreat into a secret place. In the quiet of my garden and in the trees where my kids climb the treehouse I am reminded of my Fortress and Refuge. |
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February 2020
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