What My Vows Would be 15 Years Later

Sean and I have been married fifteen years today.  I’m going to give you a shred of honesty here.  It’s been hard.  I know you’ve heard people say, “we’ve gone through a lot together but I wouldn’t change a thing and we’re better for it.”  Eh, that’s not the kind of hard I’m talking about.  I’m talking about the kind of hard that says I’d change plenty if I could.  It’s less the kind of hard that “we face hardship together and get through it” and more the “our battle wounds are largely from each other and we’ll see if we get out of this alive".  It’s not pretty to admit, but there it is. 

When things begin unraveling in marriage (or parenthood, work, and hundreds of other things for that matter) it’s easy to proclaim, “This is NOT what I signed up for!” and frantically work to change it, control it, or bail on it.  It isn’t easy to resolve, “Yes, this might not be what I thought I signed up for but indeed, I signed.  I may not be able to change it, control it, or bail but if I believe God can give peace and purpose even in the difficult, why should this be any different?”  

Photo cred: Evan Oliver

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I’ve joked (but really I’m serious) to Sean that at least having our marriage a mess has made me a generally more likable person.  If we seamlessly coasted through marriage I would easily look down my nose at those who struggle.  I would probably stand at marriage conferences with my “formula” of how to succeed in marriage.  (Insert good wife smile, clichés about communication, "just pray for your future husband as a kid like I did", blah, blah, blah.)  I would shake my head at those coping, divorced, broken, and wonder, “Why can’t they just obey God?”  My words would be void of true empathy. 

I may joke, but truly and soberly I say to you; when the thing you put all your chips in breaks down and you find yourself searching the Word for what God’s promises actually are and not what you interpreted them to be, when you find yourself vulnerable, humbled, and unable to hide from your own failures, when you discover that Jesus still meets you with His voice and assurance of what He is accomplishing, regardless of where circumstances land you…it’s a sweet place to be.   

Photo cred: Evan Oliver

When we got married fifteen years ago I dreamily chose the passage in Ruth where she vows to Naomi, “Intreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God.”  I tacked on the traditional “in sickness and health, richer or poorer” vows and I meant them.  I really meant them. 

15 years later I think about how vows barely graze the surface.  It’s probably good I didn’t get overly specific, but there certainly are things I would mention in hindsight.   I’ve been thinking about things I’ve learned (or perhaps more appropriately things I’ve unlearned.  I’m quite sure I went from having all the answers to having very few along the line).  I wrote a few things I might say differently had I known “what we were signing up for”:   

When your sin screws up my life, I vow to work through forgiving you.  I will ask God to use it for good in my life, regardless of your rebellion or repentance.

When my sin screws up your life, I vow to repent and reconcile.  I will make peace with the consequences that come.

I vow to believe the best about you and for you, not because you earn or deserve it but because I believe God will be faithful to continue His work in you.

Photo cred: Evan & Lisa Oliver

I acknowledge that I cannot hold this marriage together because doing that takes both of us.  That being said, I will be responsible (with God’s help) to uphold my end of this covenant.  

I vow to pray for you.

I vow to pray for myself–asking God to make my heart soft.  May He use the very things that threaten to harden it, leaving me empathetic and humble.

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I promise to trust God to make things right instead of holding you to making up for wrongs. 

I promise to view you as a real person, not a project that needs fixing.

I will work to articulate my needs directly instead of responding passive aggressively, or pretending I have no needs, or nagging incessantly. 

I promise to view this covenant as important to us personally, to our family, our community, our society, and for God’s purpose even when we are two selfish people pushing against it to do what we want.

Photo cred: Evan & Lisa Oliver 

I vow to enjoy what there is to enjoy.  Even when “the rest of our lives” sounds insurmountable, I will grab onto a goofy moment, common vision, or kind word and enjoy the heck out of it.  

Photo cred: Sean A. Taylor

 "Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."  Philippians 1:6