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8/12/2015 34 Comments

What My Vows Would be 15 Years Later

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Sean and I have been married fifteen years today.  I’m going to give you a shred of honesty here.  It’s been hard.  I know you’ve heard people say, “we’ve gone through a lot together but I wouldn’t change a thing and we’re better for it.”  Eh, that’s not the kind of hard I’m talking about.  I’m talking about the kind of hard that says I’d change plenty if I could.  It’s less the kind of hard that “we face hardship together and get through it” and more the “our battle wounds are largely from each other and we’ll see if we get out of this alive".  It’s not pretty to admit, but there it is. 

When things begin unraveling in marriage (or parenthood, work, and hundreds of other things for that matter) it’s easy to proclaim, “This is NOT what I signed up for!” and frantically work to change it, control it, or bail on it.  It isn’t easy to resolve, “Yes, this might not be what I thought I signed up for but indeed, I signed.  I may not be able to change it, control it, or bail but if I believe God can give peace and purpose even in the difficult, why should this be any different?”  

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Photo cred: Evan Oliver

I’ve joked (but really I’m serious) to Sean that at least having our marriage a mess has made me a generally more likable person.  If we seamlessly coasted through marriage I would easily look down my nose at those who struggle.  I would probably stand at marriage conferences with my “formula” of how to succeed in marriage.  (Insert good wife smile, clichés about communication, "just pray for your future husband as a kid like I did", blah, blah, blah.)  I would shake my head at those coping, divorced, broken, and wonder, “Why can’t they just obey God?”  My words would be void of true empathy. 

I may joke, but truly and soberly I say to you; when the thing you put all your chips in breaks down and you find yourself searching the Word for what God’s promises actually are and not what you interpreted them to be, when you find yourself vulnerable, humbled, and unable to hide from your own failures, when you discover that Jesus still meets you with His voice and assurance of what He is accomplishing, regardless of where circumstances land you…it’s a sweet place to be.   

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Photo cred: Evan Oliver
When we got married fifteen years ago I dreamily chose the passage in Ruth where she vows to Naomi, “Intreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God.”  I tacked on the traditional “in sickness and health, richer or poorer” vows and I meant them.  I really meant them. 

15 years later I think about how vows barely graze the surface.  It’s probably good I didn’t get overly specific, but there certainly are things I would mention in hindsight.   I’ve been thinking about things I’ve learned (or perhaps more appropriately things I’ve unlearned.  I’m quite sure I went from having all the answers to having very few along the line).  I wrote a few things I might say differently had I known “what we were signing up for”:   


When your sin screws up my life, I vow to work through forgiving you.  I will ask God to use it for good in my life, regardless of your rebellion or repentance.

When my sin screws up your life, I vow to repent and reconcile.  I will make peace with the consequences that come.

I vow to believe the best about you and for you, not because you earn or deserve it but because I believe God will be faithful to continue His work in you.

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Photo cred: Evan & Lisa Oliver
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I acknowledge that I cannot hold this marriage together because doing that takes both of us.  That being said, I will be responsible (with God’s help) to uphold my end of this covenant.  

I vow to pray for you.

I vow to pray for myself–asking God to make my heart soft.  May He use the very things that threaten to harden it, leaving me empathetic and humble.


I promise to trust God to make things right instead of holding you to making up for wrongs. 

I promise to view you as a real person, not a project that needs fixing.

I will work to articulate my needs directly instead of responding passive aggressively, or pretending I have no needs, or nagging incessantly. 

I promise to view this covenant as important to us personally, to our family, our community, our society, and for God’s purpose even when we are two selfish people pushing against it to do what we want.
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Photo cred: Evan & Lisa Oliver 
I vow to enjoy what there is to enjoy.  Even when “the rest of our lives” sounds insurmountable, I will grab onto a goofy moment, common vision, or kind word and enjoy the heck out of it.  
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Photo cred: Sean A. Taylor
 "Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."  Philippians 1:6
34 Comments
Lilah Veltkamp
8/12/2015 01:15:50 am

Happy Anniversary. Well said Shilo. I love you.

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Rhonda
8/12/2015 01:17:30 am

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Kurt Langstraat
8/12/2015 01:22:36 am

Shilo- thankyou for putting into words what most married people, if we are honest, are able to relate with. I appreciate you.

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shilo
8/12/2015 07:46:19 am

Thanks for choosing to come alongside for the long haul, and for encouraging transparency (even in leaders ;)), Pastor Kurt.

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Dean J King
8/12/2015 01:29:28 am

Whooooosh😬

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Juanita
8/12/2015 02:00:22 am

Happiest of all anniversaries. May God continue to be your anchor through all of adventures, both easy and difficult.

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Hunter Brennick
8/12/2015 02:10:51 am

good read. thanks for sharing.

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Cathy Potts
8/12/2015 02:20:24 am

Happy Anniversary, Shilo and Sean! Such good reminders.

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Kathy Stanford
8/12/2015 02:22:21 am

Shilo, I so love your blog and this post is amazing! You two are one of the most Godly couples I know and I can't wait to read you post on your 25th. Blessings to both of you!

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Jill Janzen
8/12/2015 02:26:38 am

Beautifully and transparently written friend. Toby and I can relate to this! Enjoy the heck out of this day, your 15th wedding anniversary!!! 💜

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Robyn Burke
8/12/2015 02:32:03 am

Powerful. And deep. I could say these same vows to my husband ...

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Judy Mccombs
8/12/2015 03:17:44 am

As I read this, my husband is sitting next to me coughing his head off,because he has pneumonia. And I am reminded of my vows "for better for worse, in sickness and in health. So, on my rare day off from caring for others, I will drag him to the Dr, again, and advocate, again for a treatment that works,again.thanks for slapping me upside the head. and, Oh, have a great anniversary

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shilo
8/12/2015 07:48:27 am

Thank you for sharing, Judy. Hope healing comes quickly!

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Candy Hoksbergen
8/12/2015 03:19:32 am

Wisdom comes from you in ways that r far beyond your years...God Bless you both, Shilo.

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Krystal Eggum
8/12/2015 04:13:51 am

Beautiful!

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Sarah Bergsma
8/12/2015 04:20:25 am

Happy anniversary! Thank you for sharing so honestly. We so often think that we need to pretend everything is perfect because we look around and think everyone else seems to be doing great. I so appreciate your beautiful words. Have a wonderful anniversary.

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shilo
8/12/2015 07:50:06 am

Agreed Sarah! Thanks for your encouragement.

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Rhonda Worley
8/12/2015 04:56:19 am

This was a delightful and truthful reflection of the marraige relationship. I loved it!

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Marilee Congo
8/12/2015 05:37:48 am

Awesome...just awesome!

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Karen
8/12/2015 06:27:39 am

Thank you Shilo. Thank you.
Thank you for empathizing and understanding. That day in church when you referred to my broken marriage and new life as a plan B gave me hope. Suddenly there was a new plan. All was not lost. I cling to that comment often. Plan B is shaping up pretty well so far even if it wasn't my plan A. Thank you again for empathizing, understanding, and believing in a plan B for me and my baby.
Love you.

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shilo
8/12/2015 08:05:10 am

Ah, my dear friend! I've been crying and praying over you since that conversation. Thanking God that He's already showing that He is at work & providing. (And selfishly glad that Plan B landed you closer to me ;))

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Bree
8/12/2015 06:59:58 am

Shilo, so well written. Joe and I will have been married 18 years on Sunday. We too have survived more than I thought we would ever have to; and it's not over yet. Your "what we were signing up for vows" hit the nail on the head. It's hard, but when those times come, I press in even though what I really want to do is turn and run. I signed up for a lifetime and I have two amazing girls who remind me everyday of how wonderful my life is and the promises God has for me and Joe even when it is hard.

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Joyce Panzero link
8/12/2015 08:31:49 am

Should give this to all pastors for the marriage vows.

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Meredith Moyer
8/12/2015 08:36:16 am

A refreshingly honest "battle of the soul"....we are overcomers🙏⭐️💓

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Tessa
8/12/2015 09:41:40 am

Once again, Shilo, beautiful. You have such a gift. Thanks for sharing and i hope you guys have a blessed anniversary!❤

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Gwen
8/12/2015 10:01:47 am

Shilo, thank you for sharing your heart. Thank you for writing words down that express what "most " marriages are and what vows truly mean. You are appreciated 💐
Happy Anniversary to the both of you! May you continue to take one day, struggle and commitment to love at a time.

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rebecca
8/12/2015 11:15:52 am

Wow, just wow. This is raw and real and wonderful.

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Jolie
8/12/2015 02:56:14 pm

So beautiful and truthful!

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Aimee
8/13/2015 02:32:11 am

Yes! Another amazing blog, thank you for your transparency! I know I can relate, and we are only 9 years in ❤️

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Alana N
8/14/2015 04:35:23 am

Congratulations! We celebrated 25 years on August 11. And I couldn't have said it better than you did from this point in our road other than one slight philosophical disagreement.

As a person in Christ you no longer have sin. It died on the cross with Christ. God killed it, he didn't resurrect it with Jesus, it's dead. Period. God is done with sin.

What we have is sin habit.

The blessing of this is we can stop wrestling with the corpse - ours or others. And know then when God looks at us He doesn't see sin. What He sees is Christ alive in us, and where our experience of Him (God) is missing something for us to be fully in Christ. And that's where His focus is. Upgrading our experience of Him to fulfill the promises of a life surrendered to Jesus.

So best wishes to you both as you continue on together in your walk.

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Cliff Tadema
8/15/2015 01:14:13 pm

Shilo, thanks for sharing. On this our 40th anniversary I claim those vows for my own as well! You are a precious and amazing dotter and I love you incredibly much.

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Gina Gorsegner link
8/18/2015 10:32:11 am

Shilo, Though I don't know you personally, I have heard that you are a gifted writer. After reading this blog on your "updated marriage vows" I'd contend that that is quite true. I believe that I would say the same in my marriage. We're going on 30 years next March. I married young and blissfully unaware. There are some years I wish never to repeat. The last 5 have been the best yet. God's done some amazing work in both of us, without Him we'd likely be divorced.

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anna link
8/19/2015 10:25:30 pm

Amen. Relate to every single one of your vows. Its so hard, and so encouraging to know we are not alone!

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Jake
2/11/2016 12:08:39 pm

Such an amazing writer....read this again today, especially the last part. It was just what i needed! Love you!

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    Shilo Taylor

    Just throwing myself out there a bit... 

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